Taylor Swift is so right about you.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
