I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
