he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We had to coat check the pizza.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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