Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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