I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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