I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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