Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
