Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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