We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
