Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
