there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
True strength comes from lack of pants
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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