sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
