and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
