She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
