im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
