I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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