Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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