Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
