I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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