Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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