The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
