Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
