i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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