dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
