I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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