I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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