Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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