just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
