she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had to cum in my sink.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
