if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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