I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
