I only kidnapped one of them. chill
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
