Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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