Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
