i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
