you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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