then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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