New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
