I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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