i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
