I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
