omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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