You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
