Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
