I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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