I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Randomize
