there's paper in my vomit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
