I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
