she was so not down for the gang bang
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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