Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
