Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
