You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
