Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
